As i wrote in my second book, words are a bit of a trap, a floored system, each word conjours different things in different minds (e.g sunset, shaman, rainbow, pain, break). But saying that, words can often affect energy and how one feels.
With two people co-habiting, or as lovers, cross words can be like a punch or a kick to someone else's energy, and create a spiral of destruction. If one gets angry allot then they call in dark energies into themselves (invoke), and often, those dark energies will want feeding - by getting anger and aggressive responses out of the other person - one could go much deeper into this via M.Tsarion, Franz Hartmann, Franz Bardon's writings but this is not what the blog is about.
Isn't it funny how in 10 years or so of school, they never teach us how to communicate to people close to us, but they teach us how to do presentations and how to sell things?
There is a new paradigm growing called Non Violent Communication (NVC) - I read a few books on this and thought to summarise it's ethos/system/pointers.
NVC is all about avoiding and calming conflict communication, mainly in close relationships.
If one wishes to share something, in NVC it is expressed as what one is Observing, Feeling, Needing, and Requesting - and always expressed with NO evaluation, analysis or blame on another.
The listener, even if they don't agree, allows them time and space to express fully and feel understood (they might bite their lip off at first).
Much we do is in service of our needs (or swap this word for boundaries), so see what need was not met, and see where "alive in the self" the need comes from.
The listener can also seek clarity with sentences like, "So you are feeling and needing x" or "What action is affecting my/your/our well being?"
Empathise that all conflict anger messages are just unmet needs. Empathy listening protects taking it personally, and if a chat gets bad, breath and go back to the "you feel x, you need x." Remember, two ears to one tongue, therefore hear twice as much as you speak.
Connect to what is alive in a person NOW at THIS moment. Respectful understanding of what another is experiencing. What is alive NOW from the past experience / as a result of what happened in the past.
Positive actions: focus on what TO do, not, what NOT to do.
I am responsible for my intentions and actions but not the feelings of others.
Replace "have to" with "choose to" ALL THE TIME.
Replace "should" with "might" - ALL THE TIME.
Anger shows we are in the head to analyse and judge someone. A warning to see what the "i" is needing.
External is stimuli not the cause - it's all about how one takes the external stimuli. When we equate stimuli with cause we trick ourselves, and get on the warpath.
Each person is responsible for their own feelings. PERIOD.
I am angry because THEY x - this is violent communication, NVC would swap this for; I am angry because I'm NEEDING x.
What others do is never the cause of how we feel.
Anger comes from finding fault.
***I think NVC is pretty smart, it is a road towards harmony, and harmony is nice.
It seems quite Taoist to me, whose approach would be from a place of calm, or to walk away from any conflict or anger until the other is calm.
NVC may seem a bit fluffy, but nagging is apparently more rife than adultry, and nagging is so very very old paradigm.
The NVC books state to practise and practise, as one cannot change from this overnight...
But all humans have days where.....
So why is something like NVC important or helpful? Well, we are coded on our DNA to be intimate and therefore close to other humans......maybe the famous sufi master was right?
"...sex plays a tremendous role in maintaining the mechanicalness of life. Everything that people do is connected with 'sex': politics, religion, art, the theater, music, is all 'sex.' Do you think people go to the theater or to church to pray or to see some new play? That is only for the sake of appearances. The principle thing, in theater as well as in church, is that there will be a lot of women or a lot of men. This is the center of gravity of all gatherings. What do you think brings people to cafés, to restaurants, to various fêtes? One thing only. SEX: it is the principle motive force of all mechanicalness. All sleep, all hypnosis, depends upon it."
I leave you with two amazing pieces of art...
...and a decent article.